Hello Kent! I'm glad you were able to take some bits and pieces from my tome! It also works as a door stop.
I've got a great 2-page cheat chart, and an 88 page workbook that simplifies the heck out of everything, but I can't upload the emotions chart in this platform, gah.
Thank you Karla for writing this, not being thwarted by interwebs, and sharing your work! I had only heard ways of dealing with anger/fear/sadness/joy so it's inspiring to have a much larger list to explore. :-D
I want to call out the fuzziness around "Despair - a stronger form of sadness"
I think this is a mischaracterization, and the clue is that it's not sufficiently distinguished from other emotions. I'll offer my perspective in case it clarifies things.
Despair isn't a stronger form of sadness. Despair is is the emotional state of being compelled to stop waiting and take action. This is what it means to "be desperate". Etymologically, the word comes from Latin "esperare" (to wait or to hope) modified with the prefix "des" (negation), so the original meaning of the word is almost literally "stop waiting".
Despair doesn't feel like sadness. If it does, it's not despair, it's just even deeper sadness. The pit of sadness is quite a deep one and you can keep going further and further down without finding an exit. Despair is the exit. Despair is how you feel when you can't stand it anymore and start climbing out of the pit, whatever it takes. Despair feels like a cousin of anger, but not so hot and loud. It's the source of motivation of last resort. The existential need to change one's circumstances by direct action, because passively waiting (hoping) for a change to happen on it's own is no longer tolerable. It feels like an itch that must be scratched. It's persistent and insistent and won't go away until it's dealt with directly and on it's own terms.
So you're saying that despair brings the message that it's time to say, "Screw this. Let's do *something*"? If so, I'd agree. My experience with despair is that it is still, like sadness, about attachment, particularly attachment to circumstances. For example, I walk around San Francisco & despair of ever owning one of these lovely houses. I'm attached to the image of myself as a homeowner.
I might have a different view of the origin of attachment, and their consequences. I think attachments are basically emotional epiphenomena related to trying to prioritize between different wants and needs. Stronger attachment == higher priority (regardless of whether or not it ought to be, statement is descriptive not normative).
Recognition of a mistake in prioritization shows up emotionally as a feeling of dissatisfaction with an attachment. The dissatisfaction can be of the form of wanting more and not getting it, or of the form of wanting less and not being able to escape. In either case, this is an acute form of cognitive dissonance and emotional suffering.
The acute suffering is underlying the despair. So there's definitely a relationship between attachment and despair. Despair is the release valve. An unhealthy attachment inevitably creates so much emotional suffering that it compels desperate action.
Thanks a lot for your post, and the reference to The Language of Emotions. This reminds me a lot of the practice of Non Violent Communication, in which discovering the need behind our and others' emotions is a central activity.
It also connects a lot with a workshop I run. I call it the Slow Code Retreat, and a key part is that while people mob, I ask them to fill a mini-retro every 5 minutes by answering a few questions. Some of the questions are: What did I feel? What do I need? What will I decide? It has helped me to get awareness of the emotions I go through while coding, and to decide to act accordingly. Many participants have expressed similar feedback as well. I'm sure coding can be a practice of self-actualisation.
Thanks again for everything you did, and good luck for Tidy First!
Like the book and ideas. I think emotions is part of being human. I think sharing is a good catharsis and valuable to others. As a gay autistic (Asperger) nerd with many scars, I can relate to the need for EQ. Looking forward to reading the new book, I was one of the very early adopters of XP and now or still involved with DevSecOps and everything techie.
I think these messages are great practical advice, thanks for writing this. The framing feels a little strange to me though since the meaning of an emotion and strategies to deal with it seem a bit different.
If you’re interested the book has tons more information. My goal was to awaken folks to the possibility of translating emotions instead of avoiding them.
Codifying emotional states and being able to pull them out as principles to situations is super demanding work... but it's so funny that once you do it, there's only like 400+ scenarios total. I did this a few years ago and the world seemed so finite and constrained after I did it.
Sorry for being harsh but this is pseudoscience. The most researched approach - CBT - says this: we can change our thoughts and it will change our emotions. Something happens, first we experience neutral arousal, our fast automatic thoughts color it and then we experience emotions.
For example, we interpret this neutral arousal as anger if we think that another person did something intentionally, not by mistake/accident/because of tiredness... If we think that it was our mistake - we experience sadness.
You thoughts are lines of code that cause your emotions and actions. You can rewrite your thoughts. I recommend counseling and reading the primary source - CBT Basics and Beyond by Beck - it’s very readable and simple.
You’ll change your nonadaptive unhelpful thoughts to the adaptive helpful ones.
P.S. Please, at least remove the line about suicidal thoughts. You should never say “change” to a suicidal person.
I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're just wrong. It's not pseudoscience because it isn't presented as any sort of science at all. I said that I have a particular experience--treating these emotions in this way results in this experience. For me.
Like you, I practice separating observation from judgement. That has helped me live more as I aspire to live.
Regarding suicidal thoughts, I agree that it's important to be circumspect in how we talk about them because of the severe & irreversible consequences at stake. I stand by what I said.
You are not in a position to judge my experience nor recommend a course of treatment for me. I wish you joy on your journey.
Man, I really needed this kind of overview from someone I admire.
I'm on the verge of a pivoting position after being fired two months ago, after a decade working with software dev. I'm used to fail on various scales, but the big ones were only on external systems (the software I deliver or I take care of), not with my inner self.
The confusion on how to deal with different emotions is real.
Basically I made my hacker/geek spirit silent for long long time, fully suppressing it, including spending time on things I don't believe, specially learning technologies, or believing influential people that are telling things from safe positions.
So thanks! I will build my own based on these ideas, thanks for sharing your point of view.
Great sheet! I love how it changes reactions from fighting back unpleasant emotions (jealousy/boredom …) towards listening to them to understand the subconscious. Wondering if you have a complementary sheet for positive emotions?
In the past, it's bothered me that this makes negative emotions seem more useful than positive ones. That seems unbalanced and unpleasant.
I hypothesise this to be partly an interpretation that western worldview corrals us toward, due to its epistemology or whatever. Information Theory says that information is differences. Where all the bits are the same or no change occurs, there is no entropy and no information. So if negative emotions help us change course (i.e. they point to a difference) and positive emotions do not, then it's easy to assume positive informations are not our teachers. I find it easy to feel this way… but it seems suspicious. What do you think of that line of thought?
Try it & see. My experience >>> my model prior to experience.
I started to write down what I'd do to try it but it's way too long for a comment. Ask a recent positive experience of joy or connectedness what it has to teach you.
I get the point: if you are happy that means your priors have been confirmed; therefore no opportunity for growth. However - I beg to differ. Here's an example from my own life: I fell in love with someone outside my religion while I was at my most extreme religion-wise. I knew it was 'wrong' (according to my then world-view) but couldn't walk away from something that felt so right and good. In the end, 'following my bliss' led me along a path I would never have gone on otherwise - and one that opened up my life enormously and changed it for the better. It was only in retrospect that I realized how much I had been suppressing in my former days - and how it took really strong positive feelings to yank me out of it. The lesson for me was that positive emotions can tell you what you REALLY want - vs what you 'should' want - and that it's crucial to listen to what they are telling you. (Of course - this doesn't mean EVERY positive - or negative - emotion should be blindly followed)
I'm so glad that worked out for you. I wasn't trying to say that pleasant or welcome emotions don't bring messages, just that I can't point to cases where they were helpful to me in the same kind of way the messages carried by unpleasant emotions are. And certainly suppressing joy is a thing.
It's nice. The list is pretty big to go over with. Never did this kind of exercise, i mean resolving the map (emotion->action). I imagine to be able to do it better keep a paper piece in the pocket to be easily accessible check for the mapping to build some kind of habbit. Yet, what I like as a approach about this topic is look basically in single state, the unconscious one - that basically includes all those emotions that drives us. And to look at, it requires to be in so-called mindful self-aware state. Basically meditative state, being able to took at yourself from another self. That's easier to say than done. Usually ppl have to sit and do some breath exercises, to develop a habit to do it in principle only then (for most of us) is possible to be mindful about our unconscious self, when emotions take over, the habbit of mindulnes kicks in, like big brother..but in good way. Still I am trying to be technical here, not too much spiritual. I know some person who has "anger issues", he just counts to 10 immediately after he detects it, then everything else. But usually he been asked to do so before he detects it himself, because detecting is already being mindful and self-aware, that a skill by itself that not that easy to gain.
Hello Kent! I'm glad you were able to take some bits and pieces from my tome! It also works as a door stop.
I've got a great 2-page cheat chart, and an 88 page workbook that simplifies the heck out of everything, but I can't upload the emotions chart in this platform, gah.
Here's the workbook: https://karlamclaren.com/product/the-dei-workbook/
Thank you for writing it. The book covers a lot of ground. I have tried to make the material inviting to people who think kind of like me (geeks).
I'm from the geeknerd world too! So I found a way to share the chart, because I will not be thwarted by the interwebs: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/rx4fs5882b6pk1z146grl/h?rlkey=ayzrtlow9h0c38fkz5f2x3mp8&dl=0
Thank you Karla for writing this, not being thwarted by interwebs, and sharing your work! I had only heard ways of dealing with anger/fear/sadness/joy so it's inspiring to have a much larger list to explore. :-D
;)
This book is literally genius. Thank you so much Karla, for writing it and Kent, for recommending it!
I want to call out the fuzziness around "Despair - a stronger form of sadness"
I think this is a mischaracterization, and the clue is that it's not sufficiently distinguished from other emotions. I'll offer my perspective in case it clarifies things.
Despair isn't a stronger form of sadness. Despair is is the emotional state of being compelled to stop waiting and take action. This is what it means to "be desperate". Etymologically, the word comes from Latin "esperare" (to wait or to hope) modified with the prefix "des" (negation), so the original meaning of the word is almost literally "stop waiting".
Despair doesn't feel like sadness. If it does, it's not despair, it's just even deeper sadness. The pit of sadness is quite a deep one and you can keep going further and further down without finding an exit. Despair is the exit. Despair is how you feel when you can't stand it anymore and start climbing out of the pit, whatever it takes. Despair feels like a cousin of anger, but not so hot and loud. It's the source of motivation of last resort. The existential need to change one's circumstances by direct action, because passively waiting (hoping) for a change to happen on it's own is no longer tolerable. It feels like an itch that must be scratched. It's persistent and insistent and won't go away until it's dealt with directly and on it's own terms.
So you're saying that despair brings the message that it's time to say, "Screw this. Let's do *something*"? If so, I'd agree. My experience with despair is that it is still, like sadness, about attachment, particularly attachment to circumstances. For example, I walk around San Francisco & despair of ever owning one of these lovely houses. I'm attached to the image of myself as a homeowner.
I think we're aligned here, mostly.
I might have a different view of the origin of attachment, and their consequences. I think attachments are basically emotional epiphenomena related to trying to prioritize between different wants and needs. Stronger attachment == higher priority (regardless of whether or not it ought to be, statement is descriptive not normative).
Recognition of a mistake in prioritization shows up emotionally as a feeling of dissatisfaction with an attachment. The dissatisfaction can be of the form of wanting more and not getting it, or of the form of wanting less and not being able to escape. In either case, this is an acute form of cognitive dissonance and emotional suffering.
The acute suffering is underlying the despair. So there's definitely a relationship between attachment and despair. Despair is the release valve. An unhealthy attachment inevitably creates so much emotional suffering that it compels desperate action.
My experience with despair seems less action-oriented than yours. I can despair a long old time without acting.
Thanks a lot for your post, and the reference to The Language of Emotions. This reminds me a lot of the practice of Non Violent Communication, in which discovering the need behind our and others' emotions is a central activity.
It also connects a lot with a workshop I run. I call it the Slow Code Retreat, and a key part is that while people mob, I ask them to fill a mini-retro every 5 minutes by answering a few questions. Some of the questions are: What did I feel? What do I need? What will I decide? It has helped me to get awareness of the emotions I go through while coding, and to decide to act accordingly. Many participants have expressed similar feedback as well. I'm sure coding can be a practice of self-actualisation.
Thanks again for everything you did, and good luck for Tidy First!
I've used a similar format of going extremely slowly to emphasize other aspects of development. I hadn't thought to do it for check-ins.
I have 💯 used coding for self-actualization. Also fun.
Like the book and ideas. I think emotions is part of being human. I think sharing is a good catharsis and valuable to others. As a gay autistic (Asperger) nerd with many scars, I can relate to the need for EQ. Looking forward to reading the new book, I was one of the very early adopters of XP and now or still involved with DevSecOps and everything techie.
Staying geeky!
I think these messages are great practical advice, thanks for writing this. The framing feels a little strange to me though since the meaning of an emotion and strategies to deal with it seem a bit different.
If you’re interested the book has tons more information. My goal was to awaken folks to the possibility of translating emotions instead of avoiding them.
I really appreciate this list as a software person often overwhelmed by encounters with my emotions. Thank you.
Codifying emotional states and being able to pull them out as principles to situations is super demanding work... but it's so funny that once you do it, there's only like 400+ scenarios total. I did this a few years ago and the world seemed so finite and constrained after I did it.
Sorry for being harsh but this is pseudoscience. The most researched approach - CBT - says this: we can change our thoughts and it will change our emotions. Something happens, first we experience neutral arousal, our fast automatic thoughts color it and then we experience emotions.
For example, we interpret this neutral arousal as anger if we think that another person did something intentionally, not by mistake/accident/because of tiredness... If we think that it was our mistake - we experience sadness.
You thoughts are lines of code that cause your emotions and actions. You can rewrite your thoughts. I recommend counseling and reading the primary source - CBT Basics and Beyond by Beck - it’s very readable and simple.
You’ll change your nonadaptive unhelpful thoughts to the adaptive helpful ones.
P.S. Please, at least remove the line about suicidal thoughts. You should never say “change” to a suicidal person.
I don't think you're being harsh, I think you're just wrong. It's not pseudoscience because it isn't presented as any sort of science at all. I said that I have a particular experience--treating these emotions in this way results in this experience. For me.
Like you, I practice separating observation from judgement. That has helped me live more as I aspire to live.
Regarding suicidal thoughts, I agree that it's important to be circumspect in how we talk about them because of the severe & irreversible consequences at stake. I stand by what I said.
You are not in a position to judge my experience nor recommend a course of treatment for me. I wish you joy on your journey.
Man, I really needed this kind of overview from someone I admire.
I'm on the verge of a pivoting position after being fired two months ago, after a decade working with software dev. I'm used to fail on various scales, but the big ones were only on external systems (the software I deliver or I take care of), not with my inner self.
The confusion on how to deal with different emotions is real.
Basically I made my hacker/geek spirit silent for long long time, fully suppressing it, including spending time on things I don't believe, specially learning technologies, or believing influential people that are telling things from safe positions.
So thanks! I will build my own based on these ideas, thanks for sharing your point of view.
I wish you the best. Taking the tiller of my own mind felt impossible & overwhelming 20 years ago. Now it just feels impossible😉.
Kent thank you for sharing the resource and especially your personal findings in long term practice.
This approach is very close to the principles of nonviolent communication - and the book with the same name.
Basically, emotions are the lights on the dashboard, indicating what our needs are and whether they are met.
Universal human needs are the driving forces behind all of our behaviors.
All our actions are strategies to meet one or more needs.
It’s a compassionate, powerful framework of understanding oneself and others. Highly recommended.
I'm familiar with NVC. I hadn't remembered the "emotions as dashboard lights" metaphor. Thank you for that.
Great sheet! I love how it changes reactions from fighting back unpleasant emotions (jealousy/boredom …) towards listening to them to understand the subconscious. Wondering if you have a complementary sheet for positive emotions?
The new edition of the book does, but I haven't experienced insights coming from positive emotions yet.
In the past, it's bothered me that this makes negative emotions seem more useful than positive ones. That seems unbalanced and unpleasant.
I hypothesise this to be partly an interpretation that western worldview corrals us toward, due to its epistemology or whatever. Information Theory says that information is differences. Where all the bits are the same or no change occurs, there is no entropy and no information. So if negative emotions help us change course (i.e. they point to a difference) and positive emotions do not, then it's easy to assume positive informations are not our teachers. I find it easy to feel this way… but it seems suspicious. What do you think of that line of thought?
Try it & see. My experience >>> my model prior to experience.
I started to write down what I'd do to try it but it's way too long for a comment. Ask a recent positive experience of joy or connectedness what it has to teach you.
I get the point: if you are happy that means your priors have been confirmed; therefore no opportunity for growth. However - I beg to differ. Here's an example from my own life: I fell in love with someone outside my religion while I was at my most extreme religion-wise. I knew it was 'wrong' (according to my then world-view) but couldn't walk away from something that felt so right and good. In the end, 'following my bliss' led me along a path I would never have gone on otherwise - and one that opened up my life enormously and changed it for the better. It was only in retrospect that I realized how much I had been suppressing in my former days - and how it took really strong positive feelings to yank me out of it. The lesson for me was that positive emotions can tell you what you REALLY want - vs what you 'should' want - and that it's crucial to listen to what they are telling you. (Of course - this doesn't mean EVERY positive - or negative - emotion should be blindly followed)
I'm so glad that worked out for you. I wasn't trying to say that pleasant or welcome emotions don't bring messages, just that I can't point to cases where they were helpful to me in the same kind of way the messages carried by unpleasant emotions are. And certainly suppressing joy is a thing.
This is great insight -- and something that "software people" don't talk about often enough! Thank you!
Great piece.
It's nice. The list is pretty big to go over with. Never did this kind of exercise, i mean resolving the map (emotion->action). I imagine to be able to do it better keep a paper piece in the pocket to be easily accessible check for the mapping to build some kind of habbit. Yet, what I like as a approach about this topic is look basically in single state, the unconscious one - that basically includes all those emotions that drives us. And to look at, it requires to be in so-called mindful self-aware state. Basically meditative state, being able to took at yourself from another self. That's easier to say than done. Usually ppl have to sit and do some breath exercises, to develop a habit to do it in principle only then (for most of us) is possible to be mindful about our unconscious self, when emotions take over, the habbit of mindulnes kicks in, like big brother..but in good way. Still I am trying to be technical here, not too much spiritual. I know some person who has "anger issues", he just counts to 10 immediately after he detects it, then everything else. But usually he been asked to do so before he detects it himself, because detecting is already being mindful and self-aware, that a skill by itself that not that easy to gain.
--
Didn't mean to be that long.
It gets easier with practice.
Guess I should read the book, I don't see lost and adrift, without purpose on the chart!
Thank you.